What if you didn't have to live in a Marriage-Box? What if your commitment could be stronger without it?
Two really big things shift in the dynamics of the relationship when the marriage contract is finally signed.
1) We don’t have to pretend anymore to win them over, they aren’t going anywhere. 2) Now we have to pretend to be the good spouse, whatever we believe that to be (Marriage-Box).
Both of these give rise to resentments that build over time, leading to divorce and prevent the strengthening of the bond.
Getting into the Marriage-Box There is an elasticity to the bond between couples in the courtship phase, that is lost once they marry. It’s that elasticity which allows their bond to grow deeper, bringing them to marriage. Like the flexing of a muscle against resistance, makes it stronger, courtship strengthens our bond, by flexing against all the difficulties. But once we get married, all kinds of subconscious beliefs about how to be married, act as barriers that prevent the stretchiness of our Bond. We call this the Marriage-Box; all the ideas of how to be married with someone, all the “don’ts” that come into play.
Don't let them down
Don't upset them
Don't hate your inlaws
Don't allow silence
etcetera (all kinds of important don'ts)
Without that elasticity, resentments begin building that lead to Divorce. But the Marriage-Box is only so strong, so eventually the resentments become stronger and someone breaks out of the box. They may try to get back into the box, but now its weaker allowing them to slip out easier. In the end, it's broken ("I can't do this anymore!") and the couple divorce, making the Box go away.
Social Communication or Not During the Courtship phase, whenever we are disrespected, we quickly communicate it socially, by living in the distance we feel. That shift in the dynamic of the relationship, causes the other person to take note of what matters to us. It teaches them who we are.
In the Marriage phase, when disrespected, we pretend it doesn’t matter; the Marriage-Box causes us to stop living in the distance we feel, and to pretend its okay to be disrespected. It becomes our job to keep the other happy, so we start hiding what matters to us and whatever might upset them. We hide who we are and what’s going on with us. We squelch, squeeze out, limit, and end the Social Communication that makes us who we are in the relationship. We become what we are supposed to be, not who we actually are.
In the marriage phase, disrespect becomes common place. We are done working to win them over. We find it easy to say and do things that we would've never considered before the marriage contract locked them in. We feel free to be unkind, to let our hair down because: They ain't going nowhere!
Little by little the resentments build. The Elasticity of the Bond during courtship which naturally worked out all the little things, is choked out of the relationship. Because they're not honestly addressed at the time, they pile up and fester into irritations. They rub a raw spot, deep inside us. At first only an uncomfortableness exists, but it grows more and more painful, until finally we can’t stand it anymore, and we break out of the Box. Or we unleash the pain of all those resentments upon our Spouse. We get in the habit of dumping our pain on them, because they take it well; they don’t show the distance they feel either (because of their own Marriage-Box).
Enhancing our Natural Social Communication The Marriage-Box ends the natural social communication, making it a torture chamber. This is the disease (the accumulation of resentments) that causes the divorce of over half of all marriages, and tortures most of the rest. We can cure this Divorce-Disease.
You can cure it out of your marriage.
We are here to show you how and help you do it!
Yes! You can have a committed marriage without the Marriage-Box. Actually, without it, we are free to strengthen our commitment. It’s that Elastic Distancing which causes the Social Communication and keeps us in the loop of each other’s lives. It’s the very thing that grew us together in the first place; during courtship. Without the Marriage-Box, the little resentments cannot build up to cause divorce, because they get worked out naturally, in the moment they happen.